ROSE AND SPARKLING
La Kiuva, Rose de Vallee 2012 (d’Aoste, Italy) $10
We fell hand in hand into the wet, freshly cut grass of my parents backyard. He pushed a piece of hair behind my ear and I giggled. I bit into a ripe summer strawberry and pretended not to care. Then he pulled my face to his and we rubbed noses. His kiss was savory and the sun started to sink. Whether they were real or not I swear I saw fireworks.
Villa di Corlo Lambrusco NV (Emilia-Romagna, Italy) $11
The Etruscans were making this wine in 700BC so it’s had a long time to be perfected and in my opinion this is damn near. It’s nose is prominent (must be the Italian in it, yuck yuck yuck) and berry fruit sings, but the bitter finish is where it shines!
Also it’s sparkling red wine so it’s DOPE.
Gruet Brut NV (New Mexico, USA) $10
The Cadillac of domestic, affordable sparkling wines. Methode Champenoise, baby.
Gini Soave Classico, Garganega 2012 (Soave, Italy) $11
Yo, this is some Rico effin Soave right here.
It’s like the perfect girl friend, white blossoms, supple body, smells like fresh cut flowers and honey, but it’s just a little nutty.
Rainer Wess, Gruner Veltliner 2011 (Kremstal, Austria) $11
This wine is as dry as Steven Wright, but with a touch of Eddie Izzard’s fruitiness. There’s enough minerals in here to save you on your daily vitamin intake, with a finish of tart meyer lemon, and baked apple. Oh, and the fact that it’s just slightly effervescent slaps you clean across the mouth (in the way you know you like it, dirty girl).
Château Lafont Fourcat, Muscadelle 2011 (Bordeaux, France) $10
Bordeaux? Psssh. More like bordello. This shit is SEXY. Were I to take a lover, move to the Caribbean, and sit on a beach oiling up my topless bod this would be sitting in the fucking sand next to me. It has got some major tropical fruit and citrus. Like for reals with the pineapple, melon, mango vibe. But it ain’t too sweet. She’s got a bite. Turn on some reggae, pass the dutchie, and shake your fucking coconuts!
Albino Piona, Bardolino 2011 (Verona, Italy) $11
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene, Jem and the Holograms are playing a sold out show in the auditorium of your mouth. They’re really jammin’ in there. Complete with sweet blackberry colored hair, lip smacking bazooka joe kisses, and even a little bit of sparkle. This is truly, truly outrageous!
Château Plaisance Fronton, Negrette 2010 (Midi-Pyrénées, France) $10
If members of Burzum, Mayhem, and Darkthrone got together and sacrificed a goat inside of a church, then burned it down, stomped the ashes and then stirred them into a glass of wine you’d get this. This wine is black metal as fuck. Leather, tobacco, smoke, copper and cherry wood.